Letter to ISIS

    By Tony Philpott | 18 August 2017
    Church and State


    Re; Your recent demands for the re-establishment of the Islamic Caliphate and the global application of Sharia Law.

    Dear ISIS

    We’d like you to know that we surrender. Please accept our apologies for not doing so sooner. However, we do hope you’ll be patient because dismantling the entirety of Western Civilisation in preparation for your arrival may take a while. You’ll be comforted to know that we’ve already placed an order with Ahmed’s Burka Supplies (Corporate motto; “We’ve Got You Covered”) for millions of those wonderfully enclosing garments – we expect delivery any day now.

    Also, on the plus side, the destruction of our entire body of literature is proceeding apace; starting with the novels of Dan Brown and Jeffrey Archer, we’ve now confiscated all the Shakespears, Chaucers, Twains and Joyces; we expect them to be in the pulp-mill by the weekend and recycled into premium editions of the Koran by Tuesday.

    Good news on the architecture front too – we have been advised by our engineers that the conversion to mosques of The Louvre, Buckingham Palace, The Vatican and The Gaudi Cathedral will require nothing more than the addition of a few minarets – so as for Friday prayers… well you’ll hit the ground running in terms of places to worship.

    Now Art. Tricky one, this. Not sure if it’s just the idea of depictions of the human face which displeases Islam or whether it’s all art – no problem destroying the Saatchi collection, no problem incinerating Tracy Emmin’s entire oeuvre (actually no problem incinerating Tracy Emmin). But it’s the Constables and the Turners that are causing us some confusion – they’re mostly landscapes, you see – no faces, and their bucolic farmyard canvases often contain images of a bacon-on-the-hoof. So you’ll have to email us you guidance in that regard. We await your instructions.

    Music. Well, problem solved. We’ve destroyed every musical instrument in the western hemisphere – you have no idea how many mouth organs there were in the world! Also, all CD Players and DVDs and TVs have been seized (not easy, let me tell you, can’t tell you how many people wanted to watch the next season of Game of Thrones!). However, our new approach to broadcasting will definitely please you. The All Allah Channel – The 24 Hour Mohamed Channel – the Non-Stop Beheading Channel (sure to be a ratings topper, that one!) are all set and ready for the remote control.

    Science is in the process of being suspended – with the exception of metallurgy; gotta keep those beheading swords chopingly sharp, after all!

    Barbershops have already been closed and shaving has been banned – by the time you arrive we’ll all be tripping over our beards.

    Now, virgins. We’ve had a bit of a glitch on the virgin front, actually. Yes, we know how important they are for your Jihadis, but the thing is, virgins are a bit thin of the ground here – we found one in the Shetland Islands and two at a Fundamentalist Christian summer camp. That was it. But the search goes on.

    So, there you have it.

    As you can see, preparations for you conquest and arrival are well advanced, and we have to say that the whole place is looking very 8th Century already.

    If we’re not here when you arrive, Mrs Smith at number 32 will have the key.

    Best wishes,

    Western Civilisation

    Tony Philpott is a published author and screenwriter. His latest book “Faithless — A Journey Out Of Religion With Stops For Light Refreshment Along The Way” is a biting and humorous critique of religion and irrationality.

    Faithless – A Journey Out Of Religion With Stops For Light Refreshment Along The Way
    By Tony Philpott
    The Liffey Press (November 2013)
    ISBN-10: 1908308486
    ISBN-13: 978-1908308481

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